Wednesday, April 12, 2017

Kill Your Children: Candle Cove & The Void

Spoilers below.

We can thank Rosemary's Baby and Alien for dragging childbirth into modern horror. "I know your secret," mutters The Void's bad guy Dr. Powell as he teases the protagonist for his relief at his wife's recent miscarriage. The instinct to resist impregnation (or even multiplication) is at the heart of Ripley's first encounter with a xenomorph. Hell, eggs themselves were used to warn audiences in 1979 that it was probably already too late, that the reproductive wheels had been turning since before they were in line for popcorn.

Monday, January 16, 2017

1997 Had Some Serious Cinematic Game

Let's talk about all the awesome movies that came out 20 years ago. Fifth Element? Austin Powers? Fucking Jackie Brown? I can't wait to watch every single one of these titles on the anniversary of their release.

While certainly not exhaustive (the entire list is here), these are the ones that stood out for me.
  1. Austin Powers (5/2)
  2. The Fifth Element (5/9)
  3. Men In Black (7/2)
  4. Contact (7/11)
  5. Event Horizon (8/15)
  6. L.A. Confidential (9/19)
  7. Wishmaster (9/19)
  8. I Know What You Did Last Summer (10/17)
  9. Devil's Advocate (10/17)
  10. Boogie Nights (10/31)
  11. Starship Troopers (11/7)
  12. Alien: Resurrection (11/26)
  13. Scream 2 (12/12)
  14. Jackie Brown (12/25)

Sunday, January 1, 2017

Celebrity Deathwatch 2016

So many celebrities died this year. The list is so exhaustive (and sometimes downright obscure), I thought I'd make a list of the "holy shit" ones that I still can't believe happened.


06 – Pat Harrington Jr (Schneider on One Day at a Time), 86
09 – Angus Scrimm (the Tall Man in Phantasm (1979) and four sequels), 89
10 – David Bowie, 69
14 – Alan Rickman, 69
18 – Glen Frey, 67

Monday, December 19, 2016

Your Phone, Mr President-Elect.

Trump: "All right, sounds good. Anything else?"

Priebus: "Um, well... There is one more thing, Mr. President-Elect."

Trump: "Make it fast, I gotta take a dump."

Priebus: "It's your phone, sir."

Trump: "What about it?"

Priebus: "Well sir, inaguration is just a few days away now and, well..."

Trump: "And what?"

Priebus: "And you... you won't be able to use your phone anymore."

Dispatches From The Worst Job I've Ever Had

Yes, these are real factoids about a real job I actually held. No, I'm not there anymore.

Some of the factoids are fake. See if you can spot them all.

On my second Monday I asked a coworker how his weekend went. He gave a bitter laugh and said his boss made him work all weekend. His boss was my boss.

Wednesday, May 18, 2016

(Some Of) The Things They Don’t Teach You About Software Engineering In College

Photograph by Michael Moran (
Here, in no particular order, are some things I learned in my career so far as a software developer. Really wish I’d known these before graduating. Hopefully it will help someone else.

Tuesday, April 5, 2016

A Pile Of Dicks - The Eleven Worst Things About Gay Social Media

I'm a single gay man who uses cruising apps to meet other gay men. For gay stuff. (Cooking classes, probably. Or maybe antiquing. Doesn't matter.) I've met some amazing guys online over the last few years, but more often than not I find myself walking into the same dozen or so idiot land mines that threaten to dash my gay hopes forever.

Here, in no particular order, are the eleven online cruising nightmares that make me want to smash my phone, take a vow of celibacy, and move to Alabama. (Happily gay hope, for better or for worse, springs eternal.)